So, I set a goal for myself: An insane challenge to beat The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt in under 1 month.
Part 1:
Holy shit,
do I not care about your backstory.
The
characters are awful. The dialogue is terrible. Mumbly main guy Gerry just
doesn’t give a fuck about anything. This makes the game so uninteresting to
both play and watch. Skipping the dialogue and cut-scenes crashed the game.
How much
bias am I bringing back from the problems with the prequel: Assassins of Free
Time? A lot. Perhaps I shouldn't have bought this game. But I’ll be the
dissenting opinion because everyone is tripping over themselves to praise this
thing. I’m a natural hipster: if a thing is popular, I question why. If a thing
is not popular, I question why not. I care about personal experiences rather
than letting someone else dictate all opinions.
Thrust,
parry, dodge, spin, drink water, and eat bread. The combat is the clumsiest
thing I’ve seen since Buldur’s Fucking Gate. It’s boring! I can’t believe how
boring it is! Surely all of the praise from internet critics at large AND the
praise from my friends can’t be wrong, right? Am I the outlier here? Am I
somehow the only wrong person for saying this game is slow and clunky?
I said
many similar things initially about Dark Souls, but that game grabbed me from the 2nd
boss fight until the end. Witcher 3 has done nothing to interest me. It’s the
worst parts of an RPG: encumbrance values, taking time to prepare before every
fight, minimal inventory, crafting systems, but it doesn’t have the thing I
enjoy most in RPGs: FUN.
It’s a
slog, a grind most Japanese RPGs would scoff at. What‘s my reward? Staring at
more ugly, stupidly voiced characters telling Gerry to go on another fetch quest?
Crudely animated sex scenes with prostitutes? Have to micro-manage every time
you level up because perks don’t automatically become active?
Compared
to the previous game in the series: Witcher 2: Fuck that Dwarven City, they’ve
somehow made every aspect worse. Combat, crafting, alchemy, repairing your
fucking swords. Morrowind was better designed than this.
The more I
play this, the less fun I have. Oh, gotta use my DETECTIVE VISION to look at shit on the ground again! Every quest that involves leading a goat around
by a bell, accidentally agro-ing enemies 10 levels higher and being unable to
disengage, following the ghost of baby, it sucks the life out of me.
And I’m
not even one-tenth done.
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