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The Witcher 3 part Final

Yeah, so, I beat Witcher 3 way back on December 23. 


Turns out a 1-month deadline for an epic open-world RPG really wasn't that big a deal. So, why has it taken so long for this final write-up?

Because I've written and re-written this whole stupid essay, like 4 times now, on how I don't think The Witcher 3 is a bad game but I just hate it. Certainly, there are things I like about it, but those are overwhelmed by shit I don't.
Stuff I hate:
  • Combat: slow, clunky. Whoops, took out the wrong sword, gotta get smacked in the face by a wolf now.
  • Main character Geralt and his voice actor Doug Cockle: Dude belongs in the Hall of Fame of garbage voice actors. *gruff, scratchy voice* "Have you seen Ciri? No? Wanna play the world's shittiest card game, then?"
  • Yennifer: Nope, that's how she spells it. "Geralt, do this thing for me. Geralt, will you help me with this? Geralt, hurry up, why is the main quest taking you so long? Have you seen Ciri? Wanna have sex on this unicorn?"
  • Emperor Guy Whose Name I Forgot: "Witcher, I am as stereotypical of a jerk ruler as I can be. Now go find my daughter, Ciri. What? Help you defend her from evil, teleporting dogs? No."  
  • DETECTIVE VISION: Hmm, this looks like a blood trail. Better follow it for 10 fucking miles.
  • Let's see, I could do some research on this monster, finding out what bombs, oils, and magic signs it is weak to. Or...I could just hit it a bunch with my sword, then hit it with my sword some more.
  • Your choices matter: in so much as you have 5 seconds to chose from two dialogue options, and you have no idea which statement will lead to what outcome. 
  • Ending pictures instead of cut-scenes: Frigging lazy developers. Don't say you ran out of time or couldn't afford it.  

Stuff I liked:

  • Ciri: as a character. Sure, you only played as her in 5-minute increments, but her motivations and actions were much better defined than any of the other "main" characters. She's fiercely independent and doesn't want to be controlled by her powers or have anyone else control them either. By nature, the game really is all about saving her, so she becomes the only remotely interesting personality.
  • That one monster bounty quest where Gerry has to get drunk in an alley, and sing a knock-off version of "Early in the Morning" to lure out a giant Jackelope or whatever. Literally the only good bit of voice acting from Mr. Cockle.
  • That part where Gerry and his Witcher friends got drunk, put on Jennifer's dress and drunk-dialed a king while he was taking a shit. Pure comedy. 

So, if you enjoyed The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt, terrific. It's totally worth your money and time. Game of the Year 2015? Sure, why the hell not. I'm not trying to influence anyone else's opinion on it, just giving my own. Everything needs a dissenting opinion. I beat it (skipping maybe 7 or 8 side-quests total) and it's unlikely I'll ever play it again. 

Congratulations, CD Projeckt Red. It's the best-made game I've ever hated.






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